Rage/Anger is a learned behavior, there are many reason and circumstances that a person learns this behavior. Rage, many time starts with some anger situations that get out of control. Overtime the Anger or Rage gets into our behavior, this stems from the natural high that comes with this secondary emotion. Overtime a person may grow used to the natural high, which in turn start to become part of a person behavior. This causes a very distructive life, and consumes all parts of the person’s life. Let’s see if we can come up with some way to control our anger?
Anger can come in many forms. Yelling is not the only thing that makes people hurt from your anger. Can you name some things that might be be viewed as an anger issue?
An example of what I am talking about is the tone of your voice. A tone in your voice can make a person feel belittled and feel that they are less than a person to you.
Eric's wife asked if he minded if she went to the store. Eric replies in a mean tone, why didn't you ask me to pick up milk on the way home. Now in a friendly tone this might just be a simple question, but in a mean tone, the question might be recieved as criticism, or even thought of as, Eric thinks I am stupid.
Can You name some things that might be viewed as an anger issue? Please add a story with your response.
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Take for instance, being bitten by a big, black dog at age 3. As a normal child your brain would make a record called “become afraid when you see a big, black dog.”
Forward to age 28. you have forgotten the dog incident at age 3. You are walking down the street and pass a dog that is big – and you guessed it – black. You automatically feel anxiety and apprehension and you want to avoid it, even though it is behind a gate and cannot harm you now. You find yourself thinking things like, “Big black dogs are dangerous,” and “It’s better to walk on the other side of the street.”
And so it is with many anger reactions. We find people and situations that literally “push our buttons,” and we respond just like that juke box that automatically pulls down a record and starts playing it.
Of course, there are times when we SHOULD play the usual record. For instance, many social ills in our society are solved by people becoming righteously indignant a form of anger and taking action to correct an evil or a wrong.
Other times, anger gets people’s attention and they start taking us more seriously. But, 95% of the time, the negative far outweighs the positive when we lose control of our anger feelings. The costs are usually high and the benefits low.
Most of the time, anger simply doesn’t get us what we desire or need in the first place and only makes things worse in terms of consequences to us, our “victims,” and to the people like children or employees who may witness it.
Rather than reacting to anger triggers, here are five steps you can learn to choose how to deal with the situation – to respond rather than react.
1. Awareness: Become more aware of patterns of behavior you exhibit to life triggers. The first step in changing behavior is to become aware of it and recognize it as it is occurring. For instance, “Whenever she talks to her mother on the phone, I want to grab the receiver and slam it down.”
2. Consequences: Learn to think of consequences before you act impulsively. Ask yourself: “If I do that it will only make matters worse; she will think I don’t like her mother; it will stop us from being close tonight; Is it worth it to get angry”
3. Listen: Listen to the conversation that you are having with yourself and have a different one! As human beings, we have the ability to monitor our own thinking patterns – to think about what we are thinking about: “Why am I thinking she shouldn’t talk to her mother Why am I trying to control her What right do I have to demand she give me attention instead of being on the phone Am I the center of the universe”
4. Interrupt your normal pattern of behavior and replace it with conscious behavior that moves you closer to your real goals: “What are my options in dealing with this besides getting angry”Go over and kiss her on the neckWhisper, “I could use some attention.”Tell her how it makes you feel when she spends so much time on the phone instead of with you.
Pick your battles and learn to accept irritating behavior without getting upset.
5. Observe: Watch how differently people respond to you after you start doing things differently. For instance, your husband complains about his boss. If your usual response is to say something like “I’m tired of hearing you complain about her – would you like to hear about a day that was really horrible” try support and understanding: “I’m so sorry you had such a tough day; would you like to tell me about it” See if he doesn’t respond to you differently than normal. It is much better to try to change other people’s response to you by changing you first – rather than just demanding that they change to satisfy your needs.
About The Author
Dr. Tony Fiore is a So. California licensed psychologist, and anger management trainer. His company, The Anger Coach, provides anger and stress management programs, training and products to individuals, couples, and the workplace. Sign up for his free monthly newsletter "Taming The Anger Bee" at www.angercoach.com and receive two bonus reports.
By Calvin Sandborn December 6, 2008
"Real men cry bullets instead of tears."
--William Pollock
My sister was murdered by a stranger in 1979. So on the National Day of Action on Violence against Women I ask myself, "What can a man do?"
Marc Lepine was clearly crazy. And the men who carried out the Mumbai terrorist attacks were fanatics too. But male anger and violence is embedded in our culture --from Alec Baldwin's tirade at his 11-year-old daughter to the local Starbucks customer who vents on a sales clerk; from your dad's slow burn at Thanksgiving dinner to Stephen Harper's slow burn in Parliament; from Rush Limbaugh's tantrums on network radio to the hockey coach's tantrum at a kids' game. What can we do about this pervasive anger?
Demanding that men feel a politically correct "gender guilt" probably won't change much. But here's an action that could really change things --men need to learn to love themselves.
Scratch an angry man, and you'll find a man who is angry at himself, cruel to himself. Too often, men have learned from their fathers to be harsh to themselves. Queen Elizabeth's grandfather described the patriarchal dynamic: "My father was frightened of his father. I was frightened of my father. And I am damn well going to see to it that my children are frightened of me."
In the traditional family the boy is apprenticed to exercise power--and to bury his own feelings. To become the future "master of the house" a boy must hide his vulnerability. When the boy skins his knee dad admonishes him that "Big boys don't cry . . . take it like a man." Boys learn the credo found on King George V's office wall: "If I must suffer, let me be like a well-bred beast, that goes away to suffer in silence."
Anger is the one permissible deep emotion. In fact it's been encouraged. "He's a fighter" is a compliment. Historically, the angry man was the one who became king. The "master of the house" retained power when he was angry--but might lose power if he showed vulnerability.
Having learned that vulnerable feelings are shameful, a boy learns to change his natural sadness and fear into anger. In fact, the anger becomes a standard escape from feeling.
When he begins to feel vulnerable, he blames the other person for making him feel the prohibited vulnerability. He learns to routinely summon anger's adrenalin to banish sadness and fear--and restore a sense of power.
But this power is counterfeit. The emotional repression-anger cycle contributes to men's early deaths--with twice the rate of heart attacks and alcoholism, four times the suicide rate and nine times the rate of ulcers experienced by women. Worse, men's anger habit leaves men lonely and alienated from family and others. The anger habit is closely linked to the fact that almost half of all men are covertly depressed --suffering from workaholism, alcoholism, drug addiction, chronic anger, compulsive control over family or obsessions with TV, sports, and gambling.
However, there is a way out. A man can choose to treat himself with compassion. He can learn to re-parent himself, sending away the harsh father that has dominated a lifetime of self-talk. Instead, he can become a kind father to himself, daily speaking to himself with the encouraging, nurturing words that he would like to use with his own children.
He can allow himself to see what he really sees, and feel what he really feels, without shame. He can reassure himself that he has intrinsic value, simply because he is human and unique. He can accept himself as he is, not as he should be. He can become his own best friend.
In this way a man can free himself to actually experience his feelings and process them. He will learn that he won't die if he cries. To his surprise, he will learn that sharing tender feelings with others actually leads to life's finest moments --to honest connection and an authentic life.
In this way the self-contempt that fuels anger diminishes. By becoming kind to himself, he will naturally become kinder to others. The world will become a safer and gentler place.
Calvin Sandborn Is The Author Of Becoming The Kind Father: A Son's Journey, A Book About Men And Anger.
© Copyright (c) The Calgary Herald
Case #1- Elizabeth, a 40 year old homemaker was always feeling angry and “used” by her family, constantly saying that everybody took advantage of her. She felt that she worked like a slave but her family showed no appreciation or acknowledgement of her many efforts.
Case #2- Bill, a 34 year old husband complained that his critical wife was always angry at him.
He spent his life trying to cope with her outrages which often escalated him into defensive anger which didn’t happen anywhere but in this relationship.
Case#3- Betty, a 42 year separated mother struggled with her soon to be ex-husband's contempt and disrespect every time she angrily called him to discuss details of their divorce.
These three cases bring up the question often asked by participants in our anger management classes: Is it possible to control how family members treat us? The short answer is “no” — but often we can teach them to treat us better!
Believe it or not, we are constantly teaching our family how to treat us— both by our responses to their behavior, and by the behavior we display to them which they react to. In our case examples:
- By automatically doing whatever her husband and children requested, Elizabeth was “teaching” them that there are almost no limits to what she would do for them.
- With his behavior, Bill was actually teaching his wife that the way to get attention from him (even if it was negative attention) was for her to create drama.
- Betty was so intimidated by her husband, that her defensive “attitude” was “teaching” him that to deal with her, he had to push back with the contempt and disrespect that he constantly showed her.
The dance of anger
Our interchange with family members is often like a carefully choreographed dance. They make a move. You make a move in response to their move. They then respond to what you said or did and …well, you get the idea!
How do you change the dance? Start by seeing yourself as a teacher—of how you would like your family to treat you.
Four ways to change what you teach others
1. Try a softer start-up. Marital research shows that the first few seconds of an interaction can predict the final outcome of the encounter. Try being softer, more polite, more respectful, less hostile, or more empathetic—and see how this change in your approach actually teaches others to respond better to you.
2. Take a time-out before dealing with the conflict or situation. Conflicting or arguing family members often work themselves up to a point at which problem solving is impossible.
The solution is to retreat and give yourself time to calm down and think things over. This takes at least 20 minutes, often much longer. Before taking your time out, it is important to tell the other person that you will commit to returning soon to deal with the conflict, after you are calmer—then be sure to do it!
3. Acknowledge that you see how they must be seeing the situation. Called “empathy,” this response on your part teaches others that you care about their feelings and viewpoints, and opinions.
Acknowledgement doesn’t mean that you necessarily agree with their viewpoint —only that you see it. Sometimes, your family needs to know that you care about them and respect their opinions before they listen to what you say.
4. Set limits and boundaries for your family members. Limits and boundaries are basically rules regarding acceptable behaviors toward you as well as what you are willing or not willing to do.
If you feel others are taking advantage of you, ask yourself what you may be doing ( or not doing )to give the message it is “ok” for them to do whatever they are doing. Often you can change their behavior toward you by teaching them different rules of being with you. The easiest way to do this is simply to respond differently yourself. For instance, they make you the core of a nasty joke. Being a nice person, you pretend it doesn’t bother you (even though it does), so you laugh with everybody else. As an alternative, try not laughing with them, which is a way of teaching them that they have crossed a boundary with you.
2005 © Dr. Tony Fiore All rights reserved.
About The Author
Dr. Tony Fiore (www.angercoach.com) is a So. California licensed psychologist, and anger management trainer. His company, The Anger Coach, provides anger and stress management programs, training and products to individuals, couples, and the workplace. Sign up for his free monthly newsletter "Taming The Anger Bee" at www.angercoach.com.
Drtony@angercoach.com
